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Merry Christmas everyone

on December 21, 2005

I haven’t got round to doing cards this year – we’re still on birth announcements! – and so I’m feeling very bad, particularly as some of you have sent me such lovely cards and gifts. So I’m doing this post instead to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and share some things I’ve been thinking over the last few months.

My thoughts on Christmas – warning: “religious” content

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about Christmas since Froglet was born, probably because we were already planning the trip to our parents’ at that point. Just wondering if Mary had felt so taken with Jesus when he was a baby, and thought he was the most beautiful baby in the history of all things ever (which he may have been at the time but now Froglet is!) – and whether he screamed and threw up down her back and pooed on her lap and so forth too. That song Away in the Manger has a line “but little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes”. Well he wouldn’t get any food then, would he? I mean how else would a baby make its needs known. Whoever wrote that must not have had children.

Anyway so then Froglet got taken to hospital. The next three weeks felt like hell, and we both felt so useless and helpless. All we could do was turn up and snuggle him and then leave again, I couldn’t even feed him myself. He was in pain and unhappy and there was nothing I could do because I’m not a doctor or nurse.
After a few days I found myself thinking that since I felt so awful about something that had just happened through nobody’s fault, how upset I would be if my son had chosen deliberately to be separated from us like that. I mean, bad enough that he had to be apart from us, but if he had made that choice himself, if he had decided that he didn’t want our involvement in his life, I’d have been completely devastated. (I know, it was an odd thing to think and clearly I was suffering from acute stress and exhaustion, but I did think it so bear with me)
Obviously no baby can make that choice. But like I said, I was already thinking about Christmas, and this brought me to thinking how God sent Jesus to earth so that we could all know him and become his children. And how since we are God’s creation, he must love us – and clearly does love us – as much as I love Froglet, or even more. And that therefore he must be as devastated as I was at us being separated from Him and the fact that there is nothing he can do about it, more than he has already done, because he won’t force us to love and accept Him. And the worst thing, that this is actually our choice – that we choose not to be with him, not to let him be part of our lives.

I think that must break his heart.

So that was one thing. And the second thing was after Froglet got home. Sometimes he sits on my lap and cries because he needs to burp and it’s uncomfortable, but when I try to help him by making circles with his upper body or leaning him backwards and forwards, he arches his back and straightens his legs, screams and generally won’t let me help. I get so frustrated when he does that, because the burp won’t come up if he won’t let me help him. Other times he needs to sleep, and is rubbing his eyes and yawning his head off, desperately tired, but as soon as I put him in bed he screams, and keeps screaming for 15 or 20 minutes. He just can’t see that Mummy knows best! And that reminds me of me. I’ve chosen to let God be part of my life already, but often I won’t let him be involved in some areas. I still want to do things my own way, which usually ends up hurting me more (or for longer) than if I had done it his way. I want to make myself sick worrying about things, rather than trusting that he knows best and won’t do anything to harm me.

So this brings me to my New Years Resolution. I don’t actually believe in resolutions – it seems like they’re made to be broken – so I’ve never really made one before. But there’s a first time for everything. My resolution this year is to work on trusting God more and learning to do things his way. And if you’ve managed to read this far, and you see me at any point starting to worry and fret about life, please remind me of what I just wrote!

So now all that remains – apart from packing, cleaning the house, paying bills and invoicing my clients! – is to wish you all a wonderful, peaceful, joyous Christmas. See you in the New Year!

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